


It Began with Julian Crying

by heavensends



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: Angst, Crying, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Post- Hell Night, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-09
Updated: 2019-01-09
Packaged: 2019-10-07 04:42:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17359172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heavensends/pseuds/heavensends
Summary: Derek comforts Julian as he grapples with strong emotions following his return to Dalton.  Logan is concerned Derek's friendly attentiveness might be misconstrued for something else.





	It Began with Julian Crying

It began with Julian gently crying.Not dramatic upset, just slow sad tears that fell each night and created a few salt stains on his pillow.And a couple of intermittent sobs, muffled mostly by the aforementioned pillow.And his best friend watching him cry.  

That part was new.He had been used to crying himself to sleep by now, but Julian wasn’t usually one to want an audience for his tears since, well, ever.Yet following his quiet return to Dalton after that awful night, this kept happening.His mother and father, who rarely agreed on much these days, both were adamant: their son would only return to dorm living on the stipulation that he room with another boy, one they could trust would look after him through bad days and call them if something seemed really wrong and who would know the difference.That boy was Derek Seigerson.  So every night he was, dutifully, with their son, rubbing his back.And kneading his shoulders.And whispering, “Tomorrow is a new day, Jules.We just have to make it through until tomorrow.”To which Julian pulled his friend close and lay his head resting in the crook of his arm.They had two beds but only one had been used for sleeping, the other now covered with neatly laid textbooks and folded laundry.  He was there for him. 

* 

“Be careful with him, Derek.He’s very fragile right now.And by fragile I don’t mean weak I just mean, don’t let him get the wrong idea.” 

That was Logan’s advice to Derek re the Julian sleeping arrangement: don’t let him get the wrong idea.As if Julian hadn’t been pining for Logan for three years, to Logan’s complete oblivion, watching him leap from one precarious relationship to another.Helping him stay with these boys for as long as Logan’s temper would permit.Refusing to say, “I love you” for fear of ruining a friendship until finding himself quite literally ordered to do so at knifepoint.Who was Lo to give advice?

“Are you serious right now?”

“I know, coming from me my concern might come off as…” Logan pauses to gather his thoughts.

“Completely hypocritical and irrational?” Derek suggests.

“…a bit out of place.Maybe.But I care for him okay?You know I feel tremendous guilt to this day.Perhaps I always will but you don’t see me snuggling up with him every night putting ideas in his head.  It only confuses him.”

Derek throws up his hands in mock disbelief and walks away.Then he stops and turns.

“He doesn’t see me like he sees you, Logan.He’s only ever seen me as a friend.A straight friend.So don’t put your shit on me.”

“All I’m saying is don’t make assumptions and watch yourself.”

“You think I should just go up to him while he’s crying and say, ‘hey Julian I know eight months ago you were jumping off buildings for our friend Logan Wright butbecause you and I share the same bed, in which you have unshakeable night terrors, have you perhaps forgot about Logan and fallen deeply madly absolutely in love with me?”

To which, Logan folds his arms and says nothing, his new medication dose uncharacteristically tempering his emotions.

*

“You tell me everything, right?” Derek asks Julian that night.Julian is studying lines, curled in a blanket on the window sill with his cat.

“Yeah you know I do.Why?”

“No, it’s nothing.It’s just, something Logan said.”

Julian frowns, furrowing his brows.“You talk to Logan about me?”

“Not a lot it just, it comes up, Jules. He worries about you.He thinks you might still be hiding something.”

“Hiding?”

“Yeah, like, you know, before.I don’t think you are though-”

Julian uncurls and slides to the floor, crumpling his body on the ground. He’s already sniffling and the tears fall fast this time.

“He blames me.He has every right to blame me.I should have done something.I should have said something, sooner.I should have left when I had the chance before…” Julian hiccups.  "I killed Mr. Harvey.  If it wasn't for me, he wouldn’t be dead."

Derek's heart pounds.  He's never heard Julian mention Mr. Harvey's death since the accident.  “Shhh…you’re okay… it’s okay.Jules, look at me.You did everything anyone could possibly expect.More.You were so brave.”Derek pulls his friend in close to his chest and onto the bed.He wipes Julian’s tears away with the sleeve of his sweater. 

Then Julian sits up, positioning their faces toward one another, brushing his nose against Derek’s.Derek doesn’t move away.Julian brushes his lips against Derek’s.Derek doesn’t move away.  And that's how the kissing begins.  But it stops quickly before it can push forward, with a rush of guilt coming over Derek. 

“Sorry,” Julian says.

“It’s okay, I just, I think maybe I should sleep in my bed tonight.It might be good for us to set some, you know, boundaries.” 

“But this is your bed.”Julian was right, technically this was originally Derek’s side of the room. “I’ll just go, then.”

“No, you really don’t have to.This is stupid-”   Julian places all the textbook on the desks and laundry in the dressers, not making eye contact with Derek.

“Please, Julian it’s okay just get into bed.”

“No, you don’t want me near you, it’s fine.”

“I want you near me.Of course, I want you near me.”

“I just ruin things.”

“You don’t ruin things."

They fall asleep in separate beds.  

*

Then, in the middle of the night, Derek hears Julian panting from a nightmare.  He walks over and gets underneath Julian's covers.

“Don’t pity me, D.”

“I don't. I don’t understand it, but I need to be close to you.  We need each other.  Screw Logan’s opinion about boundaries.So what if we fall in love?”

“Love?”

“Yes, love, Jules.I’m not saying that’s how you feel about me today.Or how I feel…no that’s a lie I know how I feel.”

“And?”

“I liked it when you kissed me.And I want to do anything in the world to not make you sad.  I know everything about you.  Is that not love?”

Julian can’t help the tears from flowing, again.This time Derek tries to lick them away with soft kisses.

“Please don’t be sad.Please don’t be sad.”

At first Julian answers by kissing Derek.  He starts with his lips and moves to his collarbone. It seems for a minute that they are going to have sex and everything will somehow be okay.  Then suddenly, Julian recoils.

"What's wrong? Did I do something wrong?"   Julian looks terrified.  "Talk to me, please, Jules."

“Derek this isn’t something that can just be loved away.”He starts to cry again, harder than Derek's seen before.  And then he's scratching his arms, thrashing his body against the headboard.

That’s when Derek picks up the phone and calls Julian’s mother.  She picks up on the first ring.

*

It began with Julian gently crying, and it ended with his best friend realizing he couldn’t get him to stop.

**Author's Note:**

> All characters belong to CP Coulter.


End file.
